Serena

Well folks, I started the week so well …. but then I hit a snag. On Wednesday night our smoke alarm decided to have some sort of seizure and kept beeping all night and I hardly got any sleep. Then I slept in and was late for class so didn’t have time to pack healthy lunch and ended up buying greasies from the cafeteria. It’s all been downhill from there. I don’t think I’ve eaten ‘bad’ food as such … just way too much of it. Will I ever get on top of this? It feels like I’ve got a life sentence here.

 On another note, does anyone do curves? Is it good? I have been thinking about it. I have everything I need here at home except the motivation. I enjoy going to the gym but my only real gym buddy option is my sister and she’s not renowned for being the most reliable person in town (unfortunately, that’s my job!). I’ve heard curves is good because it’s all women and it’s fun. But it’s a lot more expensive than most of the other gyms in our town and it’s not even a full gym, just circuit stations. I just don’t know. Any advice?

Well, I started on the Tony Ferguson diet today. It’s really low carb and uses meal replacement shakes. I have to say that I’m not a huge fan of ‘extreme’ diets. I have been on this before and had good results but have struggled with how restricive it is. I am a very big believer in proper nutrition but I just don’t seem to have the discipline or the energy or the organisational skills to manage a proper diet right now. I’ll see how I go.

I got up this morning and walked on the treadmill for 30 min. I skipped my second workout this afternoon because I was just so tired. This diet has a huge adjustment. You’re basically cold turkey on caffeine, sugar, all carbs, fat, and just food in general. Basically, I have a shake in the morning, an apple for morning snack, a salad for lunch with a small serve of protein, another shake and a piece of fruit in the afternoon, then another serve of protein with vegies or salad for dinner. It’s pretty tough. And then when my BMI drops below 40 I lose one of the protein serves. Not looking forward to that. Well, I’m off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.

Well, I have had an ordinary week. I did lose 3 pounds but it’s been a couple of weeks since I weighed, so it may not be due to anything I did or didn’t do this week. I ate pretty well in general, although I did have a few Bacardis. If you haven’t figured already, Aussies like to have a drink or two. I think this has been my biggest downfall. I did manage to make salad and tuna to take to school though. And - despite it being really cold and watching everyone else eating wedges and greasy takeaway - I even ate it. 

I didn’t do any exercise at all. Shame on me. But sooner or later I’m bound to get my act together.

I am thinking about going back on the Tony Ferguson diet. It’s a low carb thing using meal replacement  shakes. I’ve heard it’s similar to Celebrity Slim. It’s pretty good for getting the junk out of your system, kind of like detox. Anyway, we’ll see. I’ve had good results on it before but it’s so restrictive that it kind of makes you obsess over food. I was never hungry and I felt absolutely fantastic with heaps of energy (after the withdrawals that is!). I’m hoping that since I am going to school now that I won’t have time to think about food and it won’t be so much of a problem. At least for a little while. I bought enough for two weeks.

We are busy decluttering our house right now. Our local Shire council does a hard rubbish collection once a year where you throw out all of your rubbish on the nature strip (not everyday rubbish but the big things that don’t get collected in the regular service) and the council collects it. So we always put out as much as we can find. It makes me really mad all the people who go around scabbing from peoples rubbish piles. I understand one person’s trash is another’s treasure. But these people are just scabs. They cruise around all of the piles and collect anything. I’m sure they will be trying to sell this stuff at markets and garage sales for the next 6 months. I have no problem at all if people actually want this stuff and will use it, but they take so much stuff that there’s no way they want it. Our neighbour across the road is a bit eccentric and I think she encourages this behaviour. She puts stuff out any time of the year. Furniture, pot plants, 50 pairs of shoes lined up along the gutter. It’s always gone in a day or two. I know some people think this is great but it kind of annoys me. The woman next door to her put her house up for auction and the day before these people threw out so much junk into the street it was just disgusting. Totally inconsiderate. Maybe I’m a bit of a snob. We live in a nice street and this kind of behaviour really makes it look bad. I guess you don’t get to choose your neighbours.

 Anyway, have a good week everyone and I will try to get my act together.

So I survived my first week of classes and there was nothing too challenging - except for getting up at 6am! I didn’t do so well with the exercise thing. I got up early and went on the treadmill one day and I walked to class one day but that was it. I had hoped to walk to class every day but anyone who has big thighs will understand jeans are just not made for walking in. Chaffing sucks! Anyway, I’m considering dusting off the push bike this week and seeing how that goes. Also since I have a basket on my bike I wouldn’t have to worry about carrying all my books. It’s still really cold here so I’m not overly excited about being outside just yet. We’ll see. I will definitely get on the treadmill though. It’s not too hard to do 30 minutes first thing. My diet was not too bad. I did have too much alcohol but I packed lunches and cooked proper meals etc. and there was no takeaway which is a huge achievement for me. I don’t think I’ve lost but I also don’t think I’ve gained so I can’t be disappointed. I haven’t been weighing myself every day like I was either and I think that’s a good thing because I haven’t been stressing over my weight like I usually do. I think I will stick to weighing once a week from now on.

I have looked at this past week as a week of adjustment and not been too strict on myself, but now it’s over and I need to knuckle down and get those scales moving. I have emptied my house of junk and prepared a menu and a grocery list and will do shopping in the morning. I have also been reading all about ‘Juicing for Health’ and am inspired to give it a go. I enjoy logging on and reading and posting, but I feel like I need to be doing more so that I have something to report on. I have a good feeling about this week. Wish me luck.

I didn’t diet today or do exercise, but I feel good for getting myself a little bit more organised. I had a bunch of errands to run and had my first class tonight. Man was it boring! I have to keep telling myself “It’s just one semester”. It will improve my employability for sure, but why does it have to be so boring? I have classes all day for the rest of the week, Mondays are only half days. I also picked up my orthotics this morning so in the morning I will be going to the gym before breakfast. It’s really far and that’s why I don’t go very often. It must be, oh I don’t know, 3 whole steps from my bathroom! I’m so lazy. LOL. Also the nutrition & calorie counting software I ordered arrived today, although  I haven’t had a chance to play as yet. I think this will be a week of adjustment and getting organised. I don’t plan on killing myself at the gym or being too fussy with my diet just yet. It is really tough to go from Oprah, takeaway and an afternoon nap to nearly 40 hours a week of classes (really boring classes) as well as organinsing meals and groceries and housework. Poor baby, I know. Most people work full time and still manage their lives. I’m just a little rusty. I really haven’t worked in 3 years so it’s going to be a challenge for me.

I have been having a hard time of it lately. I haven’t really been trying very hard and have been using so many excuses. There have been birthdays and distractions and aches and money issues and all sorts of things. I have often felt like an impostor, using BuddySlim when I am not actively doing anything to lose weight. I see everyone else with struggles and distractions of their own and yet they still find time to eat well and exercise. And even when they fall off their wagon, they dust themselves off and jump back on. It seems I fell off my wagon and just let it go, preferring to take a nap under a tree instead of chasing after it. Well, I’m really kind of sick of it. This is what I did all of last year. My goal was to lose weight for our wedding, so every week I would start a new diet on Monday and by Friday I would be back to my old ways. It became a running joke in my family. Now everyone just assumes that I will fail – even me. Days turned into weeks into months and my wedding came and went. If anything I actually gained weight and lost a whole lot of health and fitness. I have no energy, no stamina. I am tired all the time and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I weigh my heaviest ever.

So today I turn the page and start fresh. I am going to pretend that I am just starting for the first time and that all of my previous failures don’t count. I have reset my ticker so that today is my first day because I don’t want to be reminded. My graph was a bit dismal – gained one, lost one, gained one, lost one. It was depressing me to look at it.

I am going to stick with my original exercise plan – weights, tae-bo, treadmill – until my fitness improves and then look at incorporating other elements. My diet will also be similar to my original plan of counting calories and trying to stick to between 1200 and 1500 calories per day, but I will also try and focus more on nutrition. I am thinking about incorporating some vegetable juices into my diet, and would like to experiment more with whole, natural foods and steer clear of the processed foods and chemical additives. I would like to be more in tune with my body.

 Classes start today. I have my first this afternoon. I am hoping that this will provide some structure to help me be more organised with my weight loss efforts, and with my life in general. Wish me luck.

I have had this headache for about 2 weeks now and it has been stopping me from sleeping at night, which then makes me so tired I have to have a nap in the afternoon. I was pretty sure the headache was coming from my neck but hoped it would go away. Well, I finally got sick of it and went to the osteopath this morning. The osteopath decided that it mustn’t be my neck because my neck didn’t hurt and I still had good movement but then he was really surprised when he massaged it to find how tight and knotted all the muscles in my neck were. So I’m not going crazy. Well, he was pretty rough and now I just feel really bruised and sore - but the headache is gone! Finally! Maybe tonight I will be able to sleep right through. That’d be nice.

Really not doing so well. I have been on a binge it seems and now I just feel completely worthless, like a failure. I had been doing well I thought, but then there have been 3 special occasions over the last week that have required celebration and I seem to have no self-control. It’s like if I don’t eat anything, I’m fine. But if I eat even a little I totally make a pig of myself, blow the diet, and decide since it’s already wrecked I may as well have another piece of cheesecake. It seems like I have no restraint at all. I’m quite disgusted with myself and not sure how to fix this. I’m such an idiot. I really, really want this but I don’t seem to be able to take the necessary steps. I feel so totally out of control. What am I going to do?

Next week school starts. Hopefully that will give me some structure and I can get organised and incorporate some healthier eating and exercise (and keep away from the kitchen and mindless snacking). I would really like to get down to around 200 pounds by December so I will feel more confident when it’s time to start looking for a job. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I know how to eat and how to exercise. I just don’t seem to be able to make myself do it. And I haven’t done a proper grocery shop this week so there’s really no food in the house and when I get hungry because I should’ve had dinner an hour ago I just rush up to the supermarket and buy whatever is quick and easy. Also I have stopped tracking my food in my journal. I think that has a lot to do with it, like if I’m not counting it doesn’t count at all. Yeah right. I’m hoping that the calorie tracking software I ordered will arrive this week and will make it easier for me to track since I don’t have to count myself. I seem to be hoping for a lot don’t I? You’d think I would’ve realised by now that hoping for results without any action doesn’t really work.

 It’s is 5am here and I have been up since 2am. I am tired. I don’t sleep very well and once I’m disturbed that’s it, no more sleep. So my lovely dog decided to wake us up so she could go outside to the toilet. I actually think she does it for attention more than a need to go because when she has to, she’s quite happy to hold on for ages. I have known her to hold on 16+ hours! I wish I could hold on that long. 

 I have had a pretty ordinary week this week, full of ups and downs. I started well, but since my sister’s birthday on Wednesday have not been doing so great. One good thing is that I am still hovering around the same weight so at least I haven’t gained any. I am cooking dinner for my family tonight and my Mum’s birthday is next week so I guess the bad foods and snacking isn’t quite over yet, but I will try to be as good as possible. After that, there should be no more birthdays or other special occasions until Christmas (except maybe Father’s day which is in September here, but that’s not a huge deal). I have noticed that the times when I reach for the bad food are when I’m really hungry because I’m late eating. I need to be more organised so that I don’t get really hungry and get tempted by something easy and greasy.

In other news, I have just about decided to stop taking the Reductil (I think it’s marketed there as Meridia). I am not learning new behaviours and although it’s helping with cravings and overeating, I know that as soon as I stop taking it I will still have to learn to deal with these issues. So I think I would like to deal sooner rather than later. I also am not entirely comfortable with taking drugs. I don’t know what’s in them and they’re a relatively new drug so long-term effects are not really known. I’m sure I can do it on my own. I have ordered some calorie counting software so I can track on my computer. I know there are sites (this one included) that offer free tracking but often they are American and we have totally different brands here in Australia. It’s also good because it can track nutrition as well and tell me where my diet is lacking in vitamins and minerals and protein etc.

Only another week till the start of the school term so then I will be busy and it’s so much easier to get organised when you’re busy because then you have to be. I won’t be able to exercise much next week because I have to have my orthotics fixed so will be without them for 5 days. I have had too many foot and knee problems to risk exercising without them. But I will try to eat well and get a couple of workouts in while I still have my orthotics. I will also try to get some sort of menu organised so I don’t have to think about what I am going to cook for dinner, I just have to look it up on the sheet. That’s the theory anyway.

I have been thinking about running. I saw in the forums the other day a thread about running and it started me thinking. I have always enjoyed running, but have been thinking that since I am so heavy at the moment that it would probably do more harm than good. I have been reading a book called ‘Runner’s World complete book of women’s running’ by Dagny Scott. It’s kind of inspiring me to have a go. And if I take it easy and listen to my body when it tells me to stop, then it shouldn’t be a problem should it? And I have my treadmill, which is not the same as running in the great outdoors, but takes away the self-consciousness. If I were to start now slowly, then by the time the weather warms up a bit I should be fit enough and comfortable enough to go for a run in the park. What do other people think? Is anyone else a runner?

Okay, I think I’ve had a breakthrough. I’ve discussed in previous posts how whenever Darren is away for work or gets a call out, I feel like I am not worth the effort of a decent meal. Well, he got a call out last night and my first thoughts again were “Good, I don’t have to cook. What can I eat then?” Well, here’s the amazing part. I didn’t even feel like takeaway, so I went to the supermarket with every intention of just buying whatever looked easiest, probably something bad. I was wandering through the freezer section thinking microwave food and all of a sudden found myself reading nutritional panels and making healthy selections. So I cooked some potato wedges (100g weighed, of a variety endorsed by the Australian Heart Foundation – I always look for their logo when I can) and had them with extra light sour cream (also weighed) and I got some Vegie patties (also endorsed by the heart foundation) and made a burger with toast and salad. I feel really proud of myself for choosing something healthy and keeping within my calories.

I used to be vegetarian and I really enjoyed the vegie burger. Maybe I should look at having a couple of vegetarian meals planned each week. We have some great recipe books sitting in the cupboard getting dusty and even Darren doesn’t mind vegetarian food as long as he gets meat sometimes. And then there’s the added bonus of vegetarian meals being so much cheaper. I found that when I was a vegetarian, maintaining my weight was so much easier because I was always conscious of getting enough protein and making the healthiest choices so I wouldn’t get sick. And I was a much more adventurous cook and tried a lot of new things and always put effort into meals (soy sausages and steamed veg gets old pretty quick for anyone who’s never been a vegie). Ah, the good old days.

 On a more depressing note, it is a miserable, miserable day here and I am having a great deal of trouble getting going today. It’s cold and windy and overcast and raining. On days like this I just want to stay in bed. Our bank lady is coming over tonight and the house is an absolute mess. Just as I’m typing this, the sun has come out from behind a cloud and is shining through my window. Maybe that’s a sign for me to shift my lazy backside from the computer and get to work. Those dishes aren’t going to wash themselves.